This is 3: A Mother’s Reflection
I started Mom Be Well as a safe space to talk about all things motherhood. A place of love, support and mom realness. I wanted to share and converse about the good, the bad, and the honest. If this is the type of platform I want then it is only right that I be completely transparent and live in my truth.
With now 3 years of mothering on the books I have been reflecting a lot and also through therapy working through a lot. I have mentioned in previous posts having an overwhelming amount of transition in my life since giving birth to my son but truth be told I was holding back. So this post is a release of many things for me but most importantly it is the start of regaining my voice that I had lost in the midst of everything.
A complete breakdown, a complete loss of who I thought I was, what type of person I thought I was portraying, what type of mother I was becoming…
Looking back now giving birth was the easiest part of the last 3 years. When my son was a little over 1 I fell into a depression, in the beginning, unbeknownst to myself. I was in a funk that I couldn’t find my way out of. I was consumed with negativity while trying to find positivity. I was trying to stay a float but I was drowning. So in the midst of it all I confided in people, in friends…and then it happened. A complete breakdown, a complete loss of who I thought I was, what type of person I thought I was portraying, what type of mother I was becoming.
I tried to do it all, be all to everyone and everything while navigating this new life of motherhood. I was failing but not at motherhood. I was failing myself. It seemed at the time that everyone I talked to, was telling me I was broken or imperfect in some type of way. I couldn’t take it but reflecting now it was what I needed to make big changes.
I had to mourn many deaths of people and things that are still living.
Imagine when you admit you are broken and sad to people instead of compassion or a semblance of understanding you are told and reminded that you are broken. You are told to get over it. Your sadness and inability to heal and move forward at the pace of someone else, is weaponized against you and seen as a flaw. Beginning to hear false narratives about you from so called friends and loved ones that have conversations about you behind your back and then attack you when the reaction is distance, is silence. Things said like; what’s wrong with her, she’s negative, she’s talking about us on social media, she’s creating issues where there are none. Leaving my gym that I has been at since inception, my second home because it no longer was my safe space. Add in departing a job after 7 years of work and relationships built because your worth was not valued. Searching for a new job all the while questioning if you are good enough, if you are capable. One could go crazy with internalizing all of that on top of being a new mom and navigating new normals! I ALMOST lost my soul and Gods purpose for me because I cared too much of what others thought of me. I had to mourn many deaths of people and things that are still living. It would have been easier for me to smile and continue with these relationships then it was to leave and disconnect. Sometimes you do crazy things from the view point of others for your own sanity and peace.
Take the space and time I needed to heal.
Having a baby made me prioritize on an entirely different level. Your well being is imperative to your child’s. I had to focus on my depression. Answer hard questions. Deal with necessary conflicts. Take the space and time I needed to heal. The need to help and be there for others as I normally would have needed and did shift. That ride or die strong friend turned into a conscious, soft understanding woman and mother.
It’s hard to communicate your changing while you are going through your transitions in life, in motherhood. But I honor and appreciate those who stuck by side and didn’t judge me by my moments in transition but rather appreciated and celebrated my growth. Change is never easy but it is worth it in the end. Here is to all the moms out there in transition know that you are not alone and give yourself more grace. Get help when you need it. Surround yourself with a community of moms. Everything won’t be perfect but it is how It is supposed to be. Here is to year 3, to more lessons and to more growth.
Be Well